Will's unvarnished story
by myviewdays
Summary: This is my story from my perspective. Yes you have all seen my story unfold but here are some things you might not have considered. These are how I saw things as they went along. If you don't want to hear my truth then don't read this. Because it will tick you off trust me. And really I don't want you hate mail.
1. Chapter 1

Hello to you all. This is my story from my perspective. I know you all think you know what is going on in my head and how I feel about things...but I am going to set you straight. If you don't want to know what is going on for real then don't bother reading. You can continue to believe what you wish. I am perfectly fine with that. But for those that want to truly understand then you can read on. That is my little disclaimer so I don't get any hate mail.

Well let me start by telling you I am not going to rehash my whole coming out story...been there done that. So I will start with the first time Sonny kissed me and I got pissed off. Okay if I am to be honest...I sort of wanted him to do that. I will admit it. I was upset because I thought that I should be. That I should be outraged that he would just kiss me out of the clear blue sky. Now you may not have notice but I did get a bit turned on but nevertheless I wasn't going to let him know. Frankly because I wasn't sure how he felt about me. I mean come on..I was a virgin..I thought maybe he wanted to be the first to breach the wall, if you will excuse the analogy. So I wasn't going to be just a new lay for him. So yes I pushed him away. Now upon hindsight I probably should have gone with my first instincts but I like a dope and being insecure I thought maybe I was making more of it than I should have. So yes I went to talk to him at the coffee house and yes I saw him and the snake being somewhat intimate. I mean come on ..if you saw you boyfriend or girlfriend being touched like that by someone are you going to tell me you wouldn't think what I thought. Well if you answered no then you are either extremely secure..or you're lying to yourself. But either way that is none of my business. Okay so back to where I was.

I saw them...I got pissed ..I ran into the asshole T...and was not in the mood for anymore gay bashing from that bastard so I took off. Okay my next move was not smart...and has proven now to be a huge fucking mistake. But it is a mistake I created so I will deal with it the best way I can.

So now I have given up any chance of being with Sonny..he is with the hemorrhoid with legs. To clarify ...a pain in my ass. And what happens next T gives me the lowdown on Sonny and how he feels about me. Okay so I was wrong...sue me. We all make mistakes.

So I figure..okay...I have a chance here...why not grab it and see where it takes me. So Sonny and I do our little talk. We are now on the same page. Cool...everything is good. But what happens...he tells his first lie to me. Here we are talking...I ask him what we should call this and he gives the ….we don't need to label this...all we need to do is take it slow. And as you may remember unless you have selective amnesia. He said to emphasize slow. So I am thinking...this is way cool..he's not going to rush me...we can take our time. I mean come on he has had more than a few guys...that was evident when he was pointing out guys he was interested in and asking me what I thought about them for him. So basically what I am saying is he has had his dipstick in more than a few engines. I on the other hand have only used mine twice , other than my own personal use of it, doing something that I didn't even enjoy. Yeah I got off...but I had to think about some hot dude to pop. So there we are...we are now going to be dating. I am thinking...this is cool...I will be dating one hot looking guy..and he is going to let me go at my own pace. Come on...what more could you ask for. Oh we can't have that go that well for me...this is Will Horton we are talking about here. No I have to hear his mom bad mouthing me to Justin. Who by the way is one of the coolest older dudes I have ever met. So anyway back to me story. Yeah I cancelled my date. Frankly his mom is right...I am fucked up...I don't deny that. Just look at the life I have had..and even the last year. I mean ..come on murder charges. I am 18 fucking years old for God sakes. So I got murder charges under my belt. Oh and as you all know...not my first walk down that road. But I am not here to talk about that. Not the prize package you want to bring home to the family. So I suppose I can't really fault her for her opinions. But Sonny finds out and get pissed at his mom finds me...blah blah blah. First date is him working and me watching. I will be honest here..I was sort of glad...it took a lot of pressure off me...we could slowing get into the dating groove. And I got to spend time with him..and had a bit of fun. Even got a few kisses in at the end. So hooray for me.

So we go on like that for a while. Then there was the daddy drama..."I love you but your gay thing." I really wasn't expecting any less from him so he didn't disappoint. Sonny and I are moving along. Did anyone else find it odd that he had never taken me to his apartment...even though we were dating and he lived alone. Come on ..isn't that every teenagers dream. Parents away...bf or gf comes over and you do a little slap and tickle. But no he never brings me there. As I said odd. But he never tells me that anything is wrong..so I am thinking ...this is going better than I expected. Ah but then comes Halloween. Now I am going to tell you this portion as if I am not aware of the trick he played.

So he tells me that the costumes were delivered to his apartment by mistake. So naturally I offer to help him out...what are bf's for? So we head over. He gives me the excuse everyone has ever given another person when they have them in their place for the first time. "It's a mess, didn't have time to clean up. Which turned out to be bs on his part. The only thing odd or disturbed in his apartment were the boxes. I mean come on...his bed is made perfectly. Who does that?...I mean I roll out of bed in the morning and I roll back in at night and everything is the same. So what I am saying here is that should have been my first clue that there was some sex planned..and I am betting if I had checked, the sheets would have been freshly washed. But we didn't get that far because daddy dearest made his grand intrusion. Now yes I was totally into getting naked and getting it on with Sonny. Of course I am thinking this is all just a convenient coincident. So I am willing to run with the ball, excuse the pun. But as I said it never happen.

Then I meet up with my dad and he lays all this shit on me about being used..and Sonny wanted to pop my cherry and then move on. And yes I wasn't buying any of it from him...but he did make me doubt things. But when he told me about the box ploy...to me that was over the top. I mean who does those thing in this day and age. So what do I do I go running back to Sonny's apartment to finish what we started. Yes I was pissed so it wasn't going to be exactly a love fest it was really just going to be a fuck pure and simply. But it seems Sonny was not into just a fuck and was none too happy that I asked him about other guys and then there was the mention of the scumbag. Well as you all saw that went over like a fart in church. So...I get kicked out. Oh and lest we forget...not only was I kicked out...I was told by my bf that we were a big mistake. Another clue I chose to ignore. So there we are again...on the outs with each other. And yes I was sick about it. My first boyfriend and it lasted what maybe a week? This was not a good sign for my future relationships.

Well reliving this sucks but it is cathartic. And should be a lesson to other. I will continue this fucked up story later. Thanks for letting me vent. Talk to you soon. Of course that is provided anyone is even listen to me.

Bye

Will

P.S. This is not a diary or a journal..I am simply setting the record straight.. (pun intended)


	2. Chapter 2

Okay so where was I. Oh right...just broke up...bf says...big mistake...yada yada yada. Let me start this off by saying...I am not bashing Sonny. I do love the guy..and honestly at this point I can't see myself with anyone else..but...come on. Every keeps looking at me and saying liar I'm the bad guy. Sonny is no angel. So I am simply here to plead my case. So people will stop pointing the finger at me. Okay got that off my chest. So back to where we were.

So we are broken up. Yeah I am sick about it...who wouldn't be. I mean my first bf..he is hot..and I really do like him but he tells me that we are a big mistake. What am I suppose to do with that? So we go a day without talking. And of course this is suppose to be my fault. But let's think back here. He is pissed at me because I came to his apartment...albeit mad, and there to prove a point, and he shuts me down. But then he has the nerve to throw his speech at me. You know the...if not let me refresh here. "You come in here...you kiss me you try to make me have sex with you and then you start asking me about pass bfs." So are we up to speed here. Okay ...so here is my problem with that little tirade. Didn't he lie to me to get me to his apartment? And wasn't he planning all along to get me in bed. So where is the difference? I was just more blunt about it and was going to have an angry fuck. But no..I am the bad guy. Now of course I don't know at this point that he has lied to me so I feel like shit. So we don't talk the next day. I am sick about it..and I figure he wants nothing to do with me. I mean didn't he say we were a mistake. Then T...of all people comes by to tell me that Sonny is busted up about it. Okay..so maybe it's not so dire as I think. But does he call me?...no I have to be the bigger man and call him to arrange to meet. Now keep in mind that he tricked me...but again I don't know that yet...but he does...and he doesn't even feel guilty enough to call me up. What's up with that.

So anyway I call we arrange to meet the next day to talk things over. I am thinking this is good...I will apologize for being such and a**hole and maybe we can get back to where we were.

So we meet the next day at the coffee house. I then proceed to give him my best apology. And I really am sorry for my behavior..I am not just blowing smoke up his ass..I really meant it. Then he lays it on me. His whole bit about not being a monk since he has been in Salem. And really, I didn't really think he was. I mean how many times were he and I together and he had some guy with him. Come on he went through them like he had a turnstile in his apartment. So no I didn't think for a minute that he was home at night just beating off. But then it comes out. The whole box thing. How he planned for the boxes to go to his place and make it look like it was a mistake. When in fact he did it to get me there so he could get me in bed. And his explanation. He thought I was hot...and that there was a difference between slow...and slooooooooow. Now correct me if I am wrong..wasn't he the one that said we take it slow...with the whole gesture thing like he is stretching it out. So really his whole slow speech was just bs. So let's break this down. He dumps me. He tells me we are a mistake. He doesn't call to apologize. I call to make amends. He then tells me he has been banging away while he has been back in Salem...and like I said I don't fault him for that. But then he tells me that the whole apartment ...box thing was a ruse to get me into bed. So I am still perceived as being the a**hole. Am I missing something here?

Oh...oh...oh...and let's not forget...adding insult to injury here...my fucking dad was right. The box thing was a ploy. So now I am feeling like a total fucking idiot. This guy that I thought was Dudley do no wrong...was really just another horn dog. Okay maybe that's a bit harsh. But come on ...he did plan to use me. Now you can say that ..no he loved you and he wanted to take it to the next level...and yes that could have been right but. What did he say to me in the coffee house. That I was hot. Now there is a difference between...your hot and I want to fuck you...and I love you and I would like to take this further. If you notice when he said that to me...about being hot...you can see from my face that I was sort of thrown by that. Yeah it was a compliment. But it is also a line you use when you want to pick someone up. Be it a guy or a girl. Not really a line you use when you want to convey that you love someone. You love them...but you think they are hot. Not they are hot so you love them. Do you get what I mean?

So yeah I thought it was a strange thing to say to a guy you are trying to convey love for. In fact thinking back...I don't think I heard him say anything about love during that conversation. So I guess the closest I got to an I love you and would like to take it to the next level was...your hot. Huh..interesting...just thought of that. How odd. Now maybe I was just horny or I figured I put out or he will dump me for sure...or maybe I did love him and even though he was doing it because I was hot I was doing it to show him how much I loved him but whatever the reason we wind up going to his apartment again. But as I think about it...we really hadn't reach a stage where we were saying the love thing. I think I felt it for him and maybe he felt it for me. So I will cut him some slack on that point. But still ..the box thing...pretty cheap... on his part. And to make me feel guilty about what I did...knowing full well what he was trying to do. That was low. But I go back to his apartment.

I'll tell you about that next time. You didn't get to see what happen ...you just saw the lip action.

Okay catch you all later.

Will


	3. Chapter 3

Okay ...sorry to have stopped there but this part was going to take some explaining. And for some it might be a bit too much. So don't read on if you're squeamish talking about sex.

Okay so here we are. Now bare in mind that I have never been with a guy...EVER. So Sonny and I are heading to his apartment for the sole purpose of having sex. The big S. Yes I am 19..and yes I have been with Gaby twice now. But this is all new territory. With Gaby I sort of knew the mechanics. I mean what kid doesn't hear about it at school or seen a Playboy or Penthouse. So every guy unless they have lived in a cave most of their life knows what sex is about between a guy and a girl. Now gay sex is a whole different ball of wax...huh...wax...heard about it but haven't tried it ...yet. Sorry ...got lost in that thought for a minute. Okay so gay sex. No one really talks about it unless you are around a bunch of gay guys. And even then they aren't talking about the mechanic..it is more about size...or how hard they did it..or where they did it. And lets face it...you aren't about to go into a store and asked for the Guys Getting It On With Guys Magazine. So my only introduction to gay sex was what I had seen on the internet... Oh don't act so shocked...oooohhhhhhh Will Horton was looking at gay porn sites. Grow up...I am gay and I wanted to know what it was like. And yeah ..some of it was hot. But anyway. First big misnomer...when you see guys getting it on in porn ..and by getting it on I mean being fucked. They always make it look like …...oh that feels so good...yeah give me more. Bullshit...it hurts. First ….now I can't speak for anyone else here...but that part of my body has been an exit ramp for my 19 years. To suddenly have cars driving up the exit ramp ...is just wrong. But...but...I will admit that once you relax and don't fight the flow of traffic..it can be pretty good. But I think it is mostly because if you love the person..you are enjoying the fact that you are sharing something. Okay enough Dr Phil here. Back to what's happening.

So there we are in Sonny's apartment. Again the bed is made perfectly...I am sorry I don't mean to hop on this..but what guy does that. I don't even get the logic. Make your bed when you get out of it. Why...you are just going to get back in an mess it up again. Okay..that is the last time I will bring that up.

So we are making out...and let me tell you I am into it. But my heart is going a mile a minute. I like what I am feeling but I have no idea what I will be feeling in a little while. SCARY. So we are standing there...and I really did appreciate him asking me of it was okay to go ahead...part of me said yes because...I wanted sex...and part wanted to be with him in that way. But part of me just wanted to get by this one piece so that in the future it would just be natural..without the nerves and the unknown. So he sweetly was taking my shirt off...man when his hands ran over my nipples and chest then over my shoulder. Well talk about premature ejaculation. I was in that state at that point. So it took some major refrain from me not to lose it right then and there. I know you are thinking...what? ..he is just touching you. Come on here..I had never been touched by a guy like that before...and by someone that I think at that time I loved more than anything. So yeah...I was turned on ..almost to that point. But I stared into his eyes and focused on him...to keep my mind from going to all the new sensations that I was feeling. A lot of it was just a sense of how natural this felt. Not like with Gaby. This felt right. Okay I am getting mushy here sorry about that...but I am just reliving it in my head as I type this. Well Sonny has my shirt off..I have his shirt off...and we are making out. Now in the back of my head I am thinking...who is going to bust in this time. Let me tell you that can really kill the mood. So we are both shirtless...sans Sonny's tank top. He starts to climb on the bed..and then you don't see us again until the after glow. But what you didn't see was so tender. Sonny was so giving to me. Knowing that I had no idea what I was doing he was ...patient isn't the word...or even instructive. I guess he was sort of giving me free range...letting me do what I wanted to do. If I wanted to lick him...or kiss him...or touch him in places I was curious about he just went with it. Which is not to say that he just laid there and let me use him. I could tell some of the things I was doing, were enjoyable to him. I will admit we did a lot of kissing...and I mean a lot. But I eventually got to the more progressive things...at least for me they were...for him probably common place. But I started to give him a blowjob. Not a pro that is for sure..I got a couple of ..watch the teeth...or try licking...little hints or instructions on how make it easier on me doing it..and more pleasurable for him to be receiving it. I eventually got the hang of it. I guess I did pretty good because he asked me to stop because he was close to cumming and he didn't want to ..because he had other things to show me and do with me.

Well when he started giving me a blowjob...I could see what I was doing wrong..when I was doing it...and how to engage other parts of the body while you are performing on your partner. So lesson learned.

Well we got down to the biggy...the intercourse. He told me that I could fuck him...because he was more experienced and knew what to expect and how to minimize the discomfort...a euphemism for pain. So we broke out the lube..and the condom. Thank God..I wasn't sure how to bring that up without offending him. But he said he made a point of always using one until we were both tested. Now I know I was clean already since I was Gaby's first..and second and she was my only...but Sonny had been around...and judging from his attitude it appeared he always played it safe. Good for me.

Okay so we got the lube...I have the condom on. For you other gay guys out there...you know...that when you start to put on the condom...you can sort of lose the erection pretty quick...and add the fact that it is your first time and well you see where I am going. So anyway it took some manual stimulation to get back to the needed condition to continue. Well I got there. So here is where porn does not really give the facts. It is not an easy task to put part A into part B. There is a lot of attempts before you make it. And for me I had to use my thumb to hold little Will's head in place to make the initial entrance. So anyway ..I eventually could make my advance. "Okay..remember my premature comment before...well it came into play here. I am embarrassed to say that I lasted...what maybe 30 second..if that. But Sonny was so cool about it...he just played it off as...it happens when you are to excited or it is your first time. I was so grateful for that. He didn't make me feel bad...and I love him for that.

Well since I couldn't really accomplish my mission since my forces marched without orders from me I had to find some way to make it up to him. So I ...and I can't believed I offered this, told him he could do it to me. He at first balked at the idea...he told me that we should work up to that over time. But I told him it was going to happen eventually so may as well start now. So he did what I suppose I should have done to him. He loosened me up a bit using his fingers before he made his grand entrance. Now...here is another lie that porn movies portray. When you are first pentrated it is not a pleasurable feeling. It is a painful experience. Sonny told me to breath and relax...and some other techniques to minimize the discomfort...there it is the euphemism again. Well that activity lasted for about 2 minutes...before I told him that we would have to stop. Again..he was so sweet about it...he tried to make me feel better by saying that not many guys their first time would have lasted that long or even have been able to let him get all the way in. So that just made me love him even more.

Well as you can see from my piece here that I am the only one who got to fire off his rocket...so I was feeling bad about that...so I offered to blow him again...but instead he introduced me to the very hot..and very pleasurable activity of sixty-nine. Now that ...I liked a lot...and I even got to fire off my rocket again. Now he did let me fire mine in him...I however let him release on me instead of in me. He didn't mind...he said that he preferred to cum on a guy instead of in him..because he enjoyed the visual. But whatever the reason, it was hot...for me and for him.

Well now you know what happen once we dropped down onto the bed. Our exchange was truly sincere..for me it was perfect. One because I did enjoy it very much...partly because we had reached that point and passed it without incident. And partly because it was with someone...yes I will say it...that I loved. And when I told him that for the first time in my life I felt comfortable in my own skin...that was 100% true. What we did, while brand new to me...it felt like that was the way it was suppose to be for me. Just like a straight person feels making love or even just having sex with someone of the opposite sex it feel right and natural...that is what I felt with Sonny.

So there...all the naughty bits...in all their glory. Hope I didn't offend...but I want to be honest here.

So we will pick up at the part where my life start so crash and burn next time.

Thanks for reading

Will


	4. Chapter 4

Welcome back. My saga now really begins. I am not looking for sympathy here.. I fucked up...and now I have to pay a price for my stupidity.

So Sonny and I have done the deed...well almost done the whole deed. But it was guy on guy sex for me and that was my goal. I now have a better grasp of what is going to be happening in the future so I can now enjoy being with Sonny in all settings. No more...oh crap we are going to have sex..what do I do. I now know the basics and the rest I will learn as we move along.

So here we are in his bed talking...and he is feeling a bit bad because he doesn't really have anything to eat in the apartment (can I just do a side bar here) _As I was typing this I was going to use the word house...anything to eat in the_ _house and it occurred to me that this is an apartment. Not a house. But we use house all the time when we are referring to_ _where someone lives_. _So the box that the homeless guy on Madison street lives in is a house too? Sorry it is just one of_ _those things that irk me. Sorry now back to our regularly scheduled programming_..and frankly I don't give shit...because I just has sex with this incredibly hot guy who likes me...and I think I am in love with. But upon reflection...doesn't everyone pretty much fall in love with the first person they have sex with. But I guess in my case I sort of felt that way before we did it..so this just added to that feeling already. Wow really got side tracked there sorry about that. I'll have to work on that.

So where were we...oh yeah...feeling bad...no food...just chips and water. Okay we up to speed again? So we are talking and he is telling me that he wishes he had better stuff for me. I felt bad and embarrassed for him. That crap didn't mean a damn thing to me at this point. I was with him...that was it...you couldn't throw anything into the mix that would have improved it. So when he implied that I would prefer better things...he was wrong. I could have been offered the keys to the best apartment the fastest car to all the money I wanted. And at that time..in that moment as I said..in that bed with him...none of it would have meant anything to me if I couldn't have him. I really meant that...that was not to make him feel better. I don't know if he knew at that point how much what we just did meant to me...what he meant to me. I, did for the first time, felt like someone wanted me...wanted to be with me...enjoyed me. Let me tell you people that in and of itself is so fucking intoxicating. I know, sounds weird right. But think about this...you have spent your whole life feeling like no one really wanted you...yes I know my parents love me but that it not the same. That is family and they almost have to love you. But here is someone not forced by blood or DNA who wants you...who wants to make love to you, who wants to be around you...with all your flaws and blemishes. There is nothing that feels better than that. Yeah mushy again..but screw you...that is how I felt and I am not ashamed of that. Actually if you have a heart you would feel bad..that I have spent the last 19 years of my life never knowing that. Think about that for minute. Now don't you feel bad for thinking I am being mushy. Sorry didn't mean to get angry..but I almost cried thinking about that.

So back to things. So we are both ready for round two. I am on top of him...already to let the games begin and there is that fucking knock on the door. I mean damn give me a break..is my fucking dad going to interrupt me every time I make love to my boyfriend? So I am all for just ignoring that bastard. So we just ignore it. But only this time it isn't my dad...it is Gaby. What, someone else who is determined to make sure I don't get to enjoy my new self? But I am feeling bad...because she sounds upset so I answer the door. I tell her it is not a good time...well it was a good time until she disrupted it...but it was not a good time for her to show up. Then she lays the, it's not a good time for anyone or anything,..can't really remember. That is when I see that she is really upset about something. So now I feel bad that I was sort of rude to her. So I ask her to wait and I will get dressed and talk to her. So I close the door and explain things to Sonny..and being the big hearted guy he is, he understands. You gotta love this guy for that. So I tell him I will be back shortly and head out with Gaby. Now we are walking and she really isn't saying anything. So at first...I'm thinking that maybe whatever it was that was worrying her has maybe passed or she can't bring herself to talk about what is wrong. But either way I just walk next to her. We finally come to place where we can talk. Okay I am freaking out for her. Then she tells me the news. She is pregnant. Okay this is not good for her...she is way too young. And I am not going to give here the safe sex lecture because one that is like locking the barn after the horse has been stolen (yes I get the irony here) and two I don't want to add to her troubles. I will admit that I was sort of surprised that she and Nick had gotten that far already. So I figure that she is afraid to tell him..because they are sort of a new couple. And he might book on her over this. So I try my best to console. I know this is big..no one can deny that...but like I told her...that if Nick is even half the guy she claims he is then he will do the right thing. That she will get through this. But I am not getting a good feeling here..because I kind of feel like she is holding back something. So here I am going on about how Nick is going to be good about this...and great guy and all that stuff you say in situations like that. And that's when she lays the real facts on me.

Okay..I am stopping here...because even though we are past this already since these are my thoughts at the time. Just reliving this is scaring the shit out off me. So I will pick this back up when I settle down. Sorry but feeling sick here.

Talk to you soon

Will


	5. Chapter 5

Okay I'm back. No humor in this part of my story. Gaby has just told me about the pregnancy. It may have sounded stupid to ask if she was sure but ...she may have used a home pregnancy test and read the results wrong. Or something. But she didn't, she got the results from a doctor. So there we are ...neither one of us equipped to have a baby. But we have one on the way. Now this is a lot to process and I don't want either of us to make any rash decisions that we will regret later. So that is one of the reasons I wanted her to keep quiet about it. But I will be honest...another reason...and this makes absolutely no sense and I know that ...I thought if we don't tell anyone then maybe it wouldn't be true. I know no sense ..but honestly I am not thinking rationally right now. I am scared to death...but I have to make Gaby feel better...because I think this my fault. Yes she is right that it took the two of us do this. I slept with her for a selfish reason. And to not use protection. Yeah it was my fault. So now let's add insult to injury who shows up but the homophobic Nick. Can't I tell you that I am really getting sick of this guy. I know he is my cousin but I just don't like him. He has made no bones about hating Sonny and I for being gay. And yes I wondered why Gaby was okay with that. That didn't seem like her. So anyway back to what happen.

So Nick decides that I have no feeling because in his eyes..I am laying more stress on Gaby that is making her sick. Okay first and foremost...and some may disagree with me here...but this girl is not made of glass she is not going to crack every time something doesn't go her way. But for some reason this asshole thinks she is going to fall apart if someone says boo to her. And in that moment he thinks that is going to be me. But you know...I didn't have it in me to argue with this butthead. So I let him think what he wants. And asking me to intervene in the Gaby Chad drama which I have no idea what it is. I will do it. I will talk to him and try to get him to back off. Especially in light of this new revelation. But I know Chad has something against her and frankly I don't care what it is. Not my problem. I have enough on my plate. So anyway I leave Nick and Gaby to themselves and I head back to Sonny's.

Now...what have I got here. I have finally found someone that I love..and that seems to love me back. I am heading back to his apartment to do what?...to tell him about this...to cover it up...to lie to him. What? ..what am I going to do? You know what I have no fucking idea. Tell him and he could just reject me. Lie to him...knowing full well that it is going to come out eventually. Now here is the part that really sucks for me...and I am sure you have experienced this at least once in your life. You have a problem...you need to talk to someone about it...someone you trust and you love...someone who will support you through whatever problem you are having. Now that person you want to go to is the very person you can't share this problem with. Think about that...your one life preserver...the one person you need and want to share this with is the one person who can know about it. So I am adrift. I heading back...having no idea what I am going to say. I don't even make up my mind until I get inside his apartment. Yeah I wasn't good about hiding anything. Sonny picked up on it. And I so wanted to tell him right then and there...get it out..free myself up from this ...ask for his help or guidance. And I can't. He knows I am hurting...and he wants to help but I shut him out. It was at that point when I knew my relationship may as well have ending because now I have torn it apart even if I am the only one who knows it. He let me have this problem to myself. And when I hugged him...I didn't want to let go...because I knew from that point on ..unless I grew some...every time I was going to be with him going forward was going to be lie. A lie that he is not going to know about. And that hurt me because I was hurting him and he didn't even know it. If will alone could have made this go away then it would have been gone for me. But this is reality and it doesn't work that way.

So I go over to Gaby's to talk this out with her...see where we both stand. Now yes she has a lot to deal with...and so do I but I am getting a feeling from her that he is looking for my approval about what she should do. I make my offer of marriage..but let's be honest..neither of us could have lived with that decision. And though I would have gone through with it..and honestly I would have for the sake of the child. It would be a miserable arrangement probably even worse than what I grew up in. And I was not going to put my child through that. So you saw..we talked about it. But when she brought up the abortion. Well a few thoughts went through my head...yes...this could be over before anyone ever has to know about it. But I would be taking the life of my own child. However small it is and even though it has never seen the light of day. It is still a little piece of me inside her growing. Could I live with that after it was done. Now while I appreciate her considering me in the decision I have no right to tell her what to do with her body. As I told her...this was going to impact her a lot more than me. But I was willing to go through with whatever decision she made. And I wasn't going to lay a guilt trip on her about how I would have a very hard time living with this decision should she chose to terminate. But that was her choice so I was going to help her with this. I would find the money she needed. Can I tell you how much it upset me made me sick to ask Sonny for money to do this. Here I am trying to hide something from him...and asking him for money to assist me in hiding it from him. I am scum. The lowest of lows. Now I am lying to him...and making him an accomplice in that very lie, without his knowledge. How fucked up is that?

Okay that is enough to deal with today.

Thanks for listening

Will


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